Boston

I have been weepy a lot lately. Little things set me off – and today brought a lot of it to the forefront. Since I saw the initial pictures, with blood everywhere, Boston has not left my mind.

I try to keep down my emotions, but something is going on in my brain and I don’t know what. Maybe I am learning empathy, I am not sure.  I could not watch the end of the episode in the third season of Parenthood when Julia realized she wasn’t bringing the baby home. 

I think what breaks my heart the most is that as a parent, my constant worry is my child being hurt somehow. I have an active imagination, so it comes up with some doozies, but today, I have another item to fear: family friendly events.  No one taking their children to the Boston Marathon thought their kid would get hurt – not a single worry. But an 8 year old died. A 3 year old got hurt. Tons of other people got hurt. All for what? We don’t even know yet…

Is a political agenda worth it? Is proving how bad the United States is worth it? I think about all the other mommies who learn in other countries their sons and daughters are dead because of our country and to mean, it seem just like a huge bean counting game that no one will win at. No one. But so many will die in vain. To vindicate something that may not even be around in 100 years. That won’t go to the grave with us. That the after life won’t care about – if there is one.

When does the madness and chaos stop? Because our thoughts and actions and hearts are not for the children – because if they were, the senseless craziness would not occur.

Bullying

I live in a community with a lot of bullying. It starts out young and continues through adult hood. I know middle aged moms who bully just as bad as middle school girls.

The things I hear, stealing money and items from poorer children, defacing other kids’ property, mocking them, hitting them, assaulting them…..it is all so very sad.

I just really want to know why this even happens. I know it stems from homes with parental disconnect, or abuse – but with so much counseling and such available, I guess I don’t really see why kids still feel the need to bully other kids.  And why doesn’t it stop once we become adults?

That is the hardest to watch: the adult bullying.  The Facebook arguments, the vague Facebook statuses that attempt to insult someone but don’t actually pin point another person, the “mommy wars,” etc.  All of it just further and further drives wedges between others and makes it harder for people to make friends and/or participate in social activities.

Our society is so individualized. We are not designed to be that way.  We need to have more tribal, communal interaction. I really want that – some days I yearn for it, how much nicer it would be, and how much easier it would make life.

So, where does it start? How does the bullying cycle end? Do  we start punishing not only the kids, but also their parents?  Make their parents replace damaged property, do community service, etc.?

I am not sure how to change it….but I really really really want to see a difference.

I Belong to You

Lately, my anxiety and stress have been taking over every part of my life. I have to stop myself from crying and breaking down. Pretty much every day in my car, I have to hold it down and inside. I don’t have time for breakdowns and sadness.

Most days, I wish there was a little switch that could turn and off and make life just a tad easier. I don’t mind the whole going it alone thing. That in itself is not horrible, it’s all the outside stuff- bills, debt, etc.  All this stress makes it hard to just relax and enjoy the time I do get with my child.

A break would be nice. Something to make some of this just a bit easier. I dislike the outside world interfering with my mood, and sometimes, I just feel so lost.