Jealousy

Yesterday, I read a blog post about jealousy as it relates to mothers with special needs children. It stirred up some of my own jealousy. 

Sometimes I am very jealous of the moms who complain about their husband’s cooking not being good enough, his laundry folding not being good enough, or whatever he does not being good enough.  This was mainly true the first few weeks I was with Aspen and learning how to do this parenting thing. 

I am jealous of moms who get to eat at night. Some nights, I don’t.  I am too tired. Or even, some nights, I have no food in my house and no money to go buy more. It takes time to cook a meal, and often times, I do not have that time. I feel guilty enough having someone else look after the bird all day, that when I get home, the last thing I want to do is not spend time with her.

I am jealous of moms who get to go do things, like get their hair cut, or go out, or have a spouse help them out.

Then I think of my lil lady. I am okay overall with raising her alone. It makes a lot of things easier. And I don’t want to force someone to spend time with her, just so I get child support. I also don’t think I could be away from her overnight or anything like that.

I know I am not the perfect parent, I am still trying and learning and making mistakes. But I am learning from the mistakes I make and hopefully growing.

I am glad I can admit my jealousy, it makes me feel better. I love my lil lady, and do not regret a single moment. But sometimes, it would be nice to make a meal and eat it all without having to worry about it getting cold.

I know, this is a season and will pass. I have a unique gift. Jealousy and anger are still things I grapple with.

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