Short Week, Long Moods

I have been coming out of the new mommy fog. Slowly, cautiously, carefully, coming back to myself. 

I have been wondering how much my brain is changing since I do not have the hormones from birth control, the hormones from anti depressants, and am only taking acai berry and vitamin D. 

I wonder how much longer till I actually want to spend time with people with out the fear and anxiety. I had a conversation with a friend about dating. I just cannot fathom it. I had Aspen first, how will I ever find time and space in my heart for another person. A companion like relationship would not be bad, but full out love and energy, right now, not something I can contemplate.

I got my federal and state returns. It means tons and tons of bills got paid. I am hoping it will mean more money in the long run for me. I am bummed I cannot get a new vehicle, but I feel like this will be okay for me. I will not be so stressed out financially, which will be nice.

My little bird has her doctor appointment this week. I am hoping it goes okay. I am hoping there will not be a need for surgery. Ever.

I read posts on facebook where moms and dads complain about the other parent and parenting struggles. A part of me is really glad I don’t worry about that, but another part of me is sad.  I do not think people truly understand the stress of single parenting – truly single parenting. I spend every moment of every day worrying about if something happens to me, what will happen to my bird.  I cannot be reckless with myself anymore, i have her.  I fear falling down, I fear accidents, I fear so much, and I really do not fully trust anyone else to watch. Well, anyone who could actually take her.  It makes me fret and worry. I barely trust myself.  Sometimes I think I worry too much, but at the end of the day, all I have is the thoughts in my head and the concern for Aspen to keep me going. 

She came at a time in my life where I could have made some horrible decisions. And now, I have to stick around in order to be her mommy and therefore, have to learn to be an adult.

Growing up and being responsible has been the hardest part of this all. Worse than labor.

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