Generosity

I started frequenting a site Dear Wendy.  I liked the questions people were sending in, and I liked the comments people were leaving.  I then saw they had a forum and started posting in the forum.  It is simply a very favorite new hobby of mine.

Someone from the site has give me a very generous gift.  My heart was filled overflowing with the generosity of the donor.  I still am startled and surprised – this kind of generosity is just amazing to me.

I like to think of myself as a hard worker. As a fighter. As someone who will try so very hard to succeed, even though I more often than not, very overwhelmed.  In the last 5.5 months, I have been so utterly exhausted and worn out, and this gift has revived me a little bit.  It has helped wear down some of the sharp edges I was forming and helped me accept some recent losses.

Friendships are continuing to be lost, and mostly, I am just at a lost as to what I am suppose to do.  As a mom, I only have so much time, and I really don’t want to send it being mired in games and snarkyness.  However, I do really care about some people, but they seem to not care about me.

It will all work out.  It has to.  My life has to have a purpose somewhere – I am still waiting for it sometimes.

Boston

I have been weepy a lot lately. Little things set me off – and today brought a lot of it to the forefront. Since I saw the initial pictures, with blood everywhere, Boston has not left my mind.

I try to keep down my emotions, but something is going on in my brain and I don’t know what. Maybe I am learning empathy, I am not sure.  I could not watch the end of the episode in the third season of Parenthood when Julia realized she wasn’t bringing the baby home. 

I think what breaks my heart the most is that as a parent, my constant worry is my child being hurt somehow. I have an active imagination, so it comes up with some doozies, but today, I have another item to fear: family friendly events.  No one taking their children to the Boston Marathon thought their kid would get hurt – not a single worry. But an 8 year old died. A 3 year old got hurt. Tons of other people got hurt. All for what? We don’t even know yet…

Is a political agenda worth it? Is proving how bad the United States is worth it? I think about all the other mommies who learn in other countries their sons and daughters are dead because of our country and to mean, it seem just like a huge bean counting game that no one will win at. No one. But so many will die in vain. To vindicate something that may not even be around in 100 years. That won’t go to the grave with us. That the after life won’t care about – if there is one.

When does the madness and chaos stop? Because our thoughts and actions and hearts are not for the children – because if they were, the senseless craziness would not occur.

Bullying

I live in a community with a lot of bullying. It starts out young and continues through adult hood. I know middle aged moms who bully just as bad as middle school girls.

The things I hear, stealing money and items from poorer children, defacing other kids’ property, mocking them, hitting them, assaulting them…..it is all so very sad.

I just really want to know why this even happens. I know it stems from homes with parental disconnect, or abuse – but with so much counseling and such available, I guess I don’t really see why kids still feel the need to bully other kids.  And why doesn’t it stop once we become adults?

That is the hardest to watch: the adult bullying.  The Facebook arguments, the vague Facebook statuses that attempt to insult someone but don’t actually pin point another person, the “mommy wars,” etc.  All of it just further and further drives wedges between others and makes it harder for people to make friends and/or participate in social activities.

Our society is so individualized. We are not designed to be that way.  We need to have more tribal, communal interaction. I really want that – some days I yearn for it, how much nicer it would be, and how much easier it would make life.

So, where does it start? How does the bullying cycle end? Do  we start punishing not only the kids, but also their parents?  Make their parents replace damaged property, do community service, etc.?

I am not sure how to change it….but I really really really want to see a difference.

I Belong to You

Lately, my anxiety and stress have been taking over every part of my life. I have to stop myself from crying and breaking down. Pretty much every day in my car, I have to hold it down and inside. I don’t have time for breakdowns and sadness.

Most days, I wish there was a little switch that could turn and off and make life just a tad easier. I don’t mind the whole going it alone thing. That in itself is not horrible, it’s all the outside stuff- bills, debt, etc.  All this stress makes it hard to just relax and enjoy the time I do get with my child.

A break would be nice. Something to make some of this just a bit easier. I dislike the outside world interfering with my mood, and sometimes, I just feel so lost.

New Attempts

Starting Sunday, I will be doing a workout program called Slim in 6. It’s through Beachbody. I wanted something that would not be too strenuous, as I have not worked out in a very very long time.

I am excited. I really need the extra boost. My post pregnancy body has been annoying me. I tend to overeat and overindulge. I have definitely been eating my feelings – stress, anxiety, loneliness, etc.  I hope this will help me stop doing that, especially once I start seeing results.

I also am nervous about getting up so early. My plan is to reward myself with small things so I have something to look forward to. Also, with Wednesdays as my days off from working out, I think it will be okay.

I’ve also got to read A LOT this week! I read The Chocolate Money and Dark Currents. I missed books, so so much. I forgot how nice it was to dip into the life of someone else and escape my own, even if only briefly.  I really think that is my problem, I need an escape. Maybe working out will provide that.

Rape culture

I have been reading a lot about the rape culture notion, especially after the Stuebenville verdict and how that mess was all handled in the media.

Sadly, we live in a culture where rape is acceptable. Sure, we have laws that say it’s not, but when you get down to the dirty honest facts, it’s acceptable. It’s heartbreaking that a young girl had to face all the bullying, all the threats, and the negativity because a group of people, including the two defendants, took advantage of her. 

My main questions: how do you raise a group of children who found this okay, who found this acceptable, and NO ONE stepped up and stopped this. No one.

It terrifies me that the mentality and the reasoning that was presented tried to make the boys out to be the overall victim in this situation.

No, they are not the victims.  They are two people that should have known better. Under what circumstances did they get the notion that it is okay to dominate another person, drug another person, and rape another person – all in the name of some good ol’ fun.

And what parents gave their children that much alcohol for the parties and such the men took the girl to?

Yes, mainly, where the fuck were the adults?  This much shit went down, and not a single adult knew? Not a single adult was a friend with their child on their social media page or heard that their child was posting about a rape and the horrible treatment of another human being?

We send our children into a world where we cannot trust the decency of their peer group or the decency of other adults connected to their peer group?

This hurts my heart a lot, and leaves me with a large amount of fear.  I know I am the overall intended protector of my child, but I cannot watch her 24/7, and I cannot trust other adults, if this situation is any sort of an example. And it’s not the only circumstance, there are many others across our country.

So, at the end of the day, how we do protect our littles? How do we make sure that they are getting the best treatment, that other people are respecting them, and know that they will not get taken advantage of in such a horrible manner? Something needs to change, and I honestly think it will, but it still scares me. I can only teach my daughter so much, I have to be able to have faith that the world will be okay for her, or I might go crazy worrying about it.

Comfort Zone

Today I threw a baby shower for a friend. It caused me a lot of anxiety and stress, but was very good for me. It took me out of my comfort zone, which was greatly needed.

In regards to comfort zones, I have to decide soon what my life plan is – if I move to Livingston or stay here. I really am unsure. I really dislike Havre, but the cost of child care is so high that I don’t think I can afford to move somewhere.  I need to see what options are available, and if it is meant to be it will work out. I just don’t feel it is right anymore, not like I use to.

I also do not want to live here. It is depressing to me and isolating. I do fear I will isolate in Livingston too.  It’s confusing to me and all really boils down to money.

I need to win the lottery.

Gnashing Teeth

My little bird is teething.  This means I don’t sleep. Which means I am exhausted. All. the. Time.

This is one of the times I end up rethinking everything. The choice to be a mom, the choice to keep my kiddo, the choice to do this without being an asshole, etc. 

And I know that this is just a season, and that it will pass, but doing this shit on my own is tough. I just feel that so much of my life I feel has been spent doing everything on my own. All my problems, all my issues, everything. Sometimes, I just want an extra ten minutes without anyone needing anything from me and nothing needing to be done. I am tired of always being tired. I’ve been tired and alone for so much of my life, and honestly, it just gets old.

On a better note, I am taking an extra day off from work. Just to do some random stuff I normally don’t have time to do. I am excited for it. I just have to make it to April 1.

 

Jealousy

Yesterday, I read a blog post about jealousy as it relates to mothers with special needs children. It stirred up some of my own jealousy. 

Sometimes I am very jealous of the moms who complain about their husband’s cooking not being good enough, his laundry folding not being good enough, or whatever he does not being good enough.  This was mainly true the first few weeks I was with Aspen and learning how to do this parenting thing. 

I am jealous of moms who get to eat at night. Some nights, I don’t.  I am too tired. Or even, some nights, I have no food in my house and no money to go buy more. It takes time to cook a meal, and often times, I do not have that time. I feel guilty enough having someone else look after the bird all day, that when I get home, the last thing I want to do is not spend time with her.

I am jealous of moms who get to go do things, like get their hair cut, or go out, or have a spouse help them out.

Then I think of my lil lady. I am okay overall with raising her alone. It makes a lot of things easier. And I don’t want to force someone to spend time with her, just so I get child support. I also don’t think I could be away from her overnight or anything like that.

I know I am not the perfect parent, I am still trying and learning and making mistakes. But I am learning from the mistakes I make and hopefully growing.

I am glad I can admit my jealousy, it makes me feel better. I love my lil lady, and do not regret a single moment. But sometimes, it would be nice to make a meal and eat it all without having to worry about it getting cold.

I know, this is a season and will pass. I have a unique gift. Jealousy and anger are still things I grapple with.

The Bottom of the Well

I have post partum depression. I have always been fairly open about my struggles with depression – it is a part of who I am, and “just being happy” has never been an option for me. I do not think I have the worst life in the world, and even on my darkest days, I am capable of realizing that, but when my lil neurons won’t transmit seratonin properly, there is not a heck of a lot I can do.

I went off medication after I had my daughter.  It was a choice I made, as the medication was making much of it worse. Currently, I am attempting to handle it all on my own, and am not failing, but also not succeeding.

There is a snake of anxiety that sits in my stomach, day after day, that kind of drives me.  I rarely can fully control it, but I always know it is there.  Driving down a hill yesterday caused it rear up and invent 100000 scenarios in which I was in a car accident and my lil bird got hurt.  Every single day, I live with my brain constructing false outcomes, which makes optimism and perseverance hard.

I crave normality, but have no idea what it would even look like or feel like. 

I am waiting for many of the other signs of my depression to come back – distorted body image, anxiety over food and weight, my temper, obsession.

My temper has had little flare ups, but never directed at anyone or anything, more annoyance with something.

So, I think after some things get settled in my life, I am going to go back on medication. Not that I cannot live without it, but so much of life is more manageable. I am no longer controlled by the snake of anxiety. I live easier in the present.

I just hate this cursed beast that haunts me. I can never take anything at face value, not even a sunny day. There is always something there, obscuring it.

On another note, I will be attempting to find a church in Havre. Which sounds like an insurmountable feat. I really enjoyed the service I went to in Billings. It would be good for the bird to have some community and fellowship in her life.